If One Day

IF ONE DAY 01.16.2017

I have fear of losing you
I have fear of losing myself
From the good memories we shared together
I hope you will not let go of those

If one day I forget about you
Forgive me
I dont want to
If one day I dont remember you
Be patient on me
I dont intend to

While I still can recall
I will make golden memories with you
I yearn to hold all the good times and never let go

Until I can
Until then…

~Yours truly ūüíü

hot-ringer-shirt

30-Day Relationship Challenge

If you’re feeling stuck in a¬†relationship rut, a little extra spice may be just what you and your significant other need. Once the honeymoon phase passes, it’s easy for the initial spark to flicker and fade a bit, but there are plenty of ways to keep the romance alive and kicking! This 30-day challenge is designed to help increase the sweet and sexy elements in your relationship by doing at least one specific romantic thing, together or for each other, every day for the duration of a month.

This challenge is great for any type of relationship, whether you’ve been together for years or just want to ramp up the romance. You don’t have to do the list in order or wait until the beginning of the month to begin ‚ÄĒ get started doing this sweet stuff now!

Credit: PopSugar

Struggles of a NaTay (Mother and Father in 1)

“When a baby comes along, it is a blessing.”. How will a woman feel such if she was¬†left behind¬†by the other person whom she entrusted herself to?¬†I had my share about being a single mom. At first, it was¬†a combination of¬†being ecstatic, furious, ¬†and anxious. I will explain one by one. There are funny sides as well. As we continue, please put your shoes to mine to better understand me.

Ecstatic

“A person is inside of me.” I uttered when I discovered¬†that I was weeks pregnant. I already imagined ribbons, dolls, toy cars, balls, cradle, rattle and other baby stuff. I was thankful that finally someone will be with me all the time. I have now someone who I will watch over and someone who will watch over me. Although it was a difficult challenge¬†to be¬†a¬†NaTay¬†(Nanay¬†and¬†Tatay¬†at the same time), I was more ecstatic than anxious.

Furious

It was the most furious event of my whole existence when my ex-partner denied the child in my womb. “How can someone be so irresponsible to reach the point of forsaking his own?” I had no choice but¬†to be¬†by myself and my little one.

Anxious

I asked myself, “How can I be able to manage someone else’s life when I cannot manage mine?” There were so many questions¬†with regard to¬†raising the child on my own, our financial status, our social status and my reputation as a woman. We all know that we live in a world with too much rejection and deviation. My uncertainties include social acceptance and limited opportunities. “What is next in life now that I am a single mom?”, “Will there still be somebody who will accept me and my child, taken as a packaged deal?” (naisip¬†ko pa¬†yun!)

photo credit: www.cliparthut.com

Hundreds of questions emerged from that one particular situation. I did not know what to expect. I was full of mixed emotions which varies from each day that passed by. It was year 2004. Surprisingly, when I told my guy friends about my pregnancy, it was like they were with me in every stage. My friends and family were there as well. I never felt alone at all.¬†I¬†cannot believe that the few good men I met before I got pregnant was still willing¬†to be¬†with me “in a relationship”, and one even wanted to raise the child as his. Whoa! Was it true? Yes, it was. ¬†That was one of the anxious part, the main concern was, my love life will never be the same again. But, there is really a rainbow after the rain. I did appreciate their offers but since I was in a delicate and emotional¬†state, I declined all the offers. Sorry guys!

After I gave birth, I decided to stay single and focus on my girl. Yes, she was and she is still a very lovely one. I prayed every night to the good Lord to make her a lovely child, obedient, loving, smart and responsible. God, answered my prayers. Years passed, I recovered from the pain of my C-section and the emotional distress. I decided to stay single. After some time, I tried to engage in several relationship but did not succeed.

What are the struggles?

  1. I felt I did not have equal opportunity as a single mom; judgment and discrimination have been always around. I was preconceived as malandi (a flirt), unequipped to handle bigger roles, and prone to mistakes.
  2. For once, I felt less of a person than I was because I got to compare myself to single ladies of my age.  I thought they were more qualified or privileged to be in a relationship.
  3. During those years before I got married, I worked 6 times a week. I rendered overtime in the call center I worked at to earn more and get greater incentives. I get to rest only on Sundays. (Curacha, ang babaeng walang pahinga). Yet, of course I had to spend quality time with my daughter. Thanks to my Dad; he took care of her while I worked.
  4. I worked a double job. Call center representative at night and pre-school teacher in the morning for several months. I took advantage of every avenue to earn. I also sell imported goodies at work and sometimes food packs. Hindi¬†ako¬†si¬†Darna. ūüôā
  5. I was not able to work in the industry related to my field of studies since my concern was to have a higher pay. Yet, it was a rewarding job.
  6. I do not have the luxury of shopping or do the activities I used to do since, I had to take care of my daughter after work or rest from my 6 day work. On paydays, my salary went straight to milk, diapers and other basic needs.

What else? The 6 items mentioned above looks simple, but what comprises each struggle took a long time before it was over. It was years of everyday battle which seemed no ending. I had  realizations and lessons that made me a better person than I used to.

I want to expound each struggles, but those will be really long ones. I will keep some details for my book.

To all the single moms, I have profound respect for you. Continue to work hard for the kiddos. Single moms are super heroines without a cape. People who do not understand single moms will always loiter around and bring you down. Do not mind them, they are not as strong as you.

Please spare the single moms from the judgment. They work to survive.

Feel free to share your experience as a single mom or anyone you know. If you liked this post, please like my Facebook page for more social relevant posts.

Cheating? How to detect?

They say, “Love is a special feeling that only can begin when you open up your heart and let somebody in.” This is the first quote about LOVE which I memorized from childhood.

What happens when you let somebody in? Giving your heart to someone also means giving them the right to hurt you. But at first, you wake up with an automatic smile on your face, everything seems right, destiny it is.. is it? Though “Men are polygamous in nature and Women are territorial in nature”, at present time it seems that we have an equal number of men and women cheating.

photo credit: www.gettheguy.co.uk

Infidelity

Now, how will you know you are being cheated? Take note of these questions. If most of the answer is YES, then you already know.

1. Does he/she break the old habits of calling and texting you once in a while?

2. Does he/she often go out with “friends” you don’t really know?

3. Does he/she seem not present on your date or when you are together? (Hello! Are you with me?)

4. Does his/her money/budget seem always short?

5. Does he/she now not letting you see or hold his/her mobile phone?

6. Are there unregistered number on call logs? (Yeah right! He/She will delete it for sure. Sometimes they forget too. Your chance.)

7. Is there a message thread with only forwarded messages from unregistered number? (It could be a sign to call the sender or “I’m home!”)

8. Does he/she speak less? (Afraid to catch the fish on his/her mouth)

9. Is the mobile phone cannot be reached at times?

10. Is he/she not clingy anymore or it lessens?

11. Is he/she hot-headed with you most of the time?

12. Did he/she call you on a different name or term of endearment?

13. Did he/she mistakenly bring you a food or anything you do not really like or worst is what you are allergic at?

14. Did he/she ask you of a place like both of you have been there but never together as a couple?

15. Is he/she not that intimate at all with you?

These are just collectively heard and observed  from people who experienced cheating. It is always best to talk first to your partner before jumping in to conclusions. Chances are given only to those who are worth it.

You might have your own share. Feel free to comment. I can add yours with your name. What will you do now?

Losing A Father

It has been a while when you heard from me. Last year I lost one of my inspirations; my father.

He was born on April 15, 1940. My dad was a very humble man and a good provider. He was the best example of model of cleanliness. He can clean my frying pan which can turn into a mirror afterwards. He used to work overseas as a seaman. For more than 30 years of his life, he spent it sailing around the world. I remember his stories about each country he went into. From poor economy countries to developing countries and industrialized countries. He told me the best places to live in, to work at and to spend vacation at. It is far better than those I have read and seen from books, magazines, encyclopedia, television and internet. My imagination already explored the world with his stories.

Dad on Snow (not sure which country is this)

Dad on Snow (not sure which country is this)

We spent only a little time together. Because he has to provide for me and my mom. Yes, I am the only child. Sad at times but I have playmates, neighbors and cousins to spend time with. I get used to it. He gets home once a year for 2 weeks up to 1 month the longest. I remember crying in the airport every time he leaves, since childhood days until I grew a little older.

Daddy's girl

Daddy’s girl

As a child, I recorded my voice (with my mom’s assistance) in a cassette tape recorder and sent the tapes to wherever he was. That does not exist anymore now a days. It is the CD (compact disc) era at present.

Voice recorder with cassette tape

Voice recorder with cassette tape

And of course my kikay pictures way back then. More pics on later posts..

When I graduated in college, that was the time he retired from his job. It was year 2003, same time when a lot of family issues happened. I moved out from my parent’s house, they got separated and so on. ¬†Years passed I got into relationships and soon got married. I didn’t get to spend time again with him. My children was blessed to spent some with him.

Fourth and Dad in June 2012

Fourth and Dad in June 2012

My kids with Dad

My kids with Dad

Dad, Cheska, Fourth

Dad, Cheska, Fourth

Until February 2013 came when he said his right knee has intolerable pain. We had it checked, he was hospitalized and result of findings says he has “Sepsis”. It struck me hard. You may see my post about Sepsis at https://porschecadiz.wordpress.com/2014/06/19/sepsis-blood-infection-and-septic-shock

He undergone from series of dialysis since Sepsis hit his kidney. He has high level of creatinine. Blood, needles, medicine, dextrose, doctors, nurses, all that you can see in the hospital was his everyday life from March to April 2013.

Knowing he has less chance to live was emotionally disturbing, not to mention financially as well. I would like to thank the people who supported me, our friends, family, my dad’s friends and former colleagues.

My dad. When he was still in the hospital.

My dad. When he was still in the hospital.

My cousin introduced me to her nephew who was able to help me in National Kidney Transplant Institute in East Avenue, Quezon City. My biggest thanks  (I will not mention who they are, so they will get their full blessings) goes to these persons because the hospital charges dropped to a very minimal amount because we were able to make it on charity ward. Also to Valenzuela officials; Cong. Magi Gunigundo, Mayor Rex Gatchalian and Cong. Wes Gatchalian of Alay-Buhay party list. To add, the persons who took their time to stay in the hospital while I was out looking for help.

Losing a loved one has never been that easy, not even hard, it is indescribable.

Now it has been more than a year, April 26, 2013. What I felt from the first day I lost him still lingers. I will forever be grateful to my dad. I wrote a song for him, my husband is helping me with the melody. I will share it soon.

I will always cherish our memories with you Dad Billy.

I made a compilation of some of Dad’s pics on YouTube. The description says my eulogy for dad before he was cremated.

Life is Short

Don't waste it!

Don’t waste it!

“We¬†all have choices in this life. Choose to live yours to the fullest, never forget to live. ” – Anonymous

I thought our day already ended because we’re already on our way home from my step mom’s post birthday treat celebration. The story is in my other article.

“Life is short.”, we learned this very line tonight. We were hit by a closed aluminum van along North Luzon Expressway (NLEX). Thank God we are still alive. Third, Fourth, Cheska, my dad and step mom were the passengers. I have to take the wheel on our way home because Third was so sleepy. He has been up for more than 24hrs. We were out to treat my stepmom for post birthday celebration.

I usually stay on the 1st and 2nd lane along NLEX. It was my first time to stay on the 3rd lane (slow moving vehicles). I was tired then and lack of sleep. Then suddenly a closed aluminum van wants to overtake from my right side which was wrong. Overtaking lane is from the left side. It hit our right passenger door, side mirror and right side of the hood part (whatever it is called), basically everything from the right side. I had a sudden turn to the left side to avoid the van. When it was happening, the faces of Cheska and Fourth (our children) flashed in front of me. I really thought it was the last moment of my life. It was nearly death experience if at least one car was behind us or on our left.

God is good, no vehicle was there. I reduced my speed. Split seconds, I thought that was our last day on earth. I came back to my senses realizing we’re still alive. The truck ran away so fast. I was planning to chase after the could be drunken bastard but my husband told me not to chase after him anymore.

I’ve realized GOD IS SO GOOD. HE PROTECTED US. HIS ANGELS TOOK THE WHEEL AND CLEARED THE FIRST TWO LANES FOR OUR SAFETY. WE ALL KNOW HOW FAST THE CARS ARE IN NLEX. TODAY OCTOBER 13, 2012 IS OUR SECOND LIFE. In fact, I feel like a different person now. Renewed. Free from everything. Thank God for our second life. I will not waste it.

That accident was taken positively. I love my kids and my husband more. How can I forget, I love myself  more too?!

Please Don’t Promise Me Forever

I want us to love each other one day at a time…
… And string those days together like the precious things they are…
… Instead of trying too hard and promising too much.
Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving.
There are times when I will be cold
and thoughtless  and hard to understand.
But it will only be because of the weather, or the flu, or one of my moods
… not because I love you less. Please remember that.
Please don’t think about all the things that could happen to us.
Don’t think about other people coming between us.
Don’t think about outgrowing each other or growing out of love.
Please do think about all the good things that could happen to us.
Think of growing closer to each other,
finding new reasons for being together…
… and think of loving. I will, too. I am right now.
Please don’t get mad at me if I forget your birthday,
or some special day we share…
… and please remember that there is an “everydayness”
about what we have that is beyond birthdays and anniversaries
That’s why, sometimes, I may not remember one special day…
… because all our days are special to me.
Please don’t ever sign a letter “as ever”
Please don’t be too easy on me …
Or expect me to be easy on you.
Both of us have room to grow,
and both of us have to grow if we want to hold each other’s love
Please don’t ever give me too much of yourself
or take too much of me.
In our togetherness, we still need our private places.
Please listen to me, when I’m talking to you…
… and please don’t ever think about someone else when I kiss you
Together Forever
Please don’t start an argument
or make me look foolish in front of other people…
… but when we’re alone
don’t feel like you’re walking on eggs.
Go ahead and say what you think.
if I need telling off, tell me off
Then we can have our fight
and make up
and love again
just us.
Please remember to call me sometimes for no reason
except that you feel me thinking about you, needing your voice
Please don’t ever lose that laugh of yours-
It’s such a real laugh.
And never change the way you brush my hair back from my eyes
and smile when I’m trying to be very serious…
or the little odd ways you have of saying things that make you “you”
one of a kind,
the one I love.
Please, lets not use politeness
And busyness and silence
to avoid our problems
and the places where we hurt if something is wrong,
lets go after it and make it right.
It’s a good feeling to think of growing older with you
but please, let’s not ever grow old
I want us to always hang on to the newness
that we have right now.
And lets never be ashamed of our innocence,
of the child within us.
Lets never give up our dreams.
Please don’t try keep it from me when you’re feeling down
I’ll never be able to share your joy if you try to protect me from your sadness
Please don’t ever say never…
… and please don’t promise me forever
All I ask
is that you love me
now.
And please know that I love you more today then I ever had before.
I can’t promise you forever,
but I can promise you today with the hope and belief
that there is a beautiful tomorrow in store for us.
by Rick Lyons